This is a continuation of a series of two articles on distinguishing the difference between transition difficulties vs alienation with children during divorce.
If the signs of transition difficulty are present but the child is not acting angrily, coldly, verbally abusive, or physically resistant which may sometimes be followed by tears, shame, guilt and sorrow, (signs of alienation), it is important to discuss with the other parent how to reduce the transition problems.
If the other parent is not receptive to working on the problem, then the following is suggested:
- Upon transition, allow the child to sit quietly for as long as needed. Younger children may need around 30-60 minutes to recover from transition; older children can take up to two hours or so. During this quiet time the parent can do quiet things together with the child, but whatever this activity is, the parent needs to be available to the child physically. Such activities can include watching television, a video, playing quietly and letting the child be. They will alert the parent when they are ready by wanting to be more interactive.
- Give the child a clear structure to the end of time-sharing, do not expect them or allow them to pick up their things and move back to the other parent without a warning. At least two hours before it is time to return to the other parent, begin a routine of preparing them. Make sure they eat within plenty of time to enjoy their food. Let them know verbally an hour before it is time to leave. Begin to gather up their things and signal to them half an hour before transition time. Make the last half hour quiet and close, talk about the things that they did and the things they will do when they come back again. Leave games ready to pick up again. Smaller children will benefit enormously from this kind of attention to transition time. Older children will find it easier and will fuss and complain less.
- By all means do not resist having the child visit. In alienation cases passive or reluctant parents withdraw thinking this will alleviate the pressure on the child. But, the exact opposite occurs. The child will feel rejected and abandoned, validating the negative things they’re hearing about the rejected parent.
What to do if a child is showing signs of alienation
If a child is showing transitional difficulty and signs of alienation it is important to know what to do and what not to do. This chart provides suggestions as to what to do and not do in coping with the behaviors that children show when they are in the process of being alienated.
If your child is being alienated there are some critical things to do to protect them over the longer term.
- Record everything that is happening in a detailed diary.
- Make sure that your child does not experience you blaming the favored parent for their behavior.
- Learn active listening skills and use them always.
- Do not panic or become too angry in response, stay steady and focused and curious about their behavior, not indignant.
- Do not take it personally, this is not their real feelings.
- Get expert help if you think you need it. You need it if you feel that you cannot cope, you are being drawn into a battle with your children or you are regularly feeling out of your depth.
- When you get other professionals involved, legal or mental health, make sure they are knowledgeable about parental alienation. If they are not, they can make things a lot worse. Ask them what books they’ve read or are familiar with, or what workshops they’ve attended.
Remember children need both parents.
Thank you to Karen Woodall, who is a specialist in working with families affected by Parental Alienation in York, GB. She is also a writer and researcher on families and family separation. Karen provides a number of resources for families experiencing conflict on her site called the Family Separation Clinic. Karen Woodall has a book, The Guide For Separated Parents: Putting Your Child First with more help and suggestions, follow her on her website.
